Television Never Prepared Me For This

Me: I’m thinking about getting this.

L’s Mother: That is so cool! You should totally get that!

Especially While Driving

If someone overheard the music I most commonly listen to, it would be reasonable to assume my personality was as mild as the music, but the truth of the matter is the angry bassline that runs through my soul doesn’t need strengthening by giving it accompaniment.

Turns Out They Took The First Steps In 2019

I’m not often shocked, but I was shocked to see those pictures of a mustachioed man in make-up and a dress working at Disney World. (No links to spare you the toxicity.) I had no idea Disney had updated its antiquated facial hair policy!

I Mean It, Isa

Originally I wasn’t planning on doing a follow up to yesterday’s post, but then it was pointed out to me that I’d probably scared Isa, to which I responded, “I stand by my actions and invoke the clause of ‘I’m the one who opens the cans of dog food.’ I do not expect undying loyalty for this, but I do expect greater consideration in the future.”

Really, Dog?

This morning I saw L’s Mother trying to hide from me in the kitchen, so I decided to turn the tables on the ambush, and did so with a loud “Rawr!” This instantly triggered a fit of barking in our dog, Isa.

L’s Mother was absolutely convinced Isa was trying to “protect” her, while I figured Isa was just joining in on the noise . . .

. . . until noticed Isa was still giving me the side-eye thirty minutes later.

It Would Save SO Much Time!

Much like John Barrymore’s feelings regarding stew, I’d actually prefer it if someone just said up front, “Whatever you’re about to advise me to do, I’m going to do the exact opposite.”

I Worry For Those Who Can’t Seem To Grasp This Concept

It’s perfectly okay to have sympathy for the tiger’s hunger, and to simultaneously not be okay with the idea of the tiger eating you!

I’ve Heard Several Variations On This, All Of Them True

If your plan of attack is going perfectly, you’re about to be ambushed.

– One of the many corollaries of Murphy’s Law

Because I Wanted A Cookie

I’m feeling unusually serious this week, but I’m not in the mood to indulge in that just yet. So instead, let me tell you about the cashier who told me this morning that it was, “Too damn early for me to be tempting her by buying cookies like that.”

“Funny you should say that,” I replied, “because the main reason I’m here is because of those cookies. My child loves those cookies, and so does their mother, and my mother has made it clear to me that I not to even think about having one of those cookies unless I’m prepared to replace the box. so . . . here I am.”

Because Even If The Earth Were Flat, You’d Need More Than That To Prove It

It is, of course, always important to “get the facts,” but be sure to get all the facts so you don’t decide the fact that your house’s foundation shows no significant signs of curvature means that the Earth must also be flat.