Archive for October, 2010

Apologies For The Brevity

October 15, 2010

Because A:  I’ve found it more than the usual challenge to focus this week.

And B:  In no small part because it seems around these waters, Captain Pollen also sails upon a ship dubbed the The Autumn Wind.

To Be Fair, The Whole “Determining Truths” Thing Is Nice Too . . .

October 14, 2010

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I’m still waiting, it’s all been to seduce women basically.

Jean-Paul Sartre

A Thought In The Face Of Upcoming Changes

October 13, 2010

It’s true that things can never be exactly “the way they were before.”

What they can be though, is better.

Clear As Mud

October 12, 2010

To be clear, I have an “earthy inclination,” and not a “dirty mind.”

What’s the difference, you ask?

I’m not really sure, to be honest.  I just know that being accused of having a “dirty mind” is an insult, and if you accuse me of it, I shall react accordingly.

Beyond that . . .

Beats me.  Off topic in any event.

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What?

Another Public Service Reminder

October 11, 2010

If you ever hear yourself saying something like “Now I don’t want to be/come across like a _____, BUT . . .”  let the record show that the truth of the matter is you are, you are, you are, a thousand times, that is exactly what you are doing!

So stop kidding yourself.

Punked [PG-13ish due to one censored word that most 10-year-olds know, but we like to pretend they don’t]

October 8, 2010

On a couple of occasions, I have been asked if I’ve ever tried my hand at stand up comedy, and the short answer is, yes.

It . . . didn’t go so well.

Oh, my routine was fine, but I wasn’t prepared enough for hecklers.  Well, actually it was just one heckler, but he was enough.

I managed to keep my concentration through his initial shouts of “You suck!”, but I just did not know what to do once he started in on “Hey, punk! I ****ed your mother!  Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, punk!  I said I ****ed your mother!  What are you gonna do about it?”

Dad . . . not my biggest fan . . . but at least he made the show.

*****

Disclaimer:  This story may well be embellished. (1)

(1) And by “embellished” I mean completely and utterly fictitious in every way.  (2)

(2)  Meaning it’s a lie for the sake of a cheap joke (3)

(3) A cheap joke that my Dad, who is, in fact, one of my biggest fans, will find funny.  (4)

(4)  I hope.

Sounding Off

October 7, 2010

Now . . . I’m not really knocking ultrasound technology.  It’s actually pretty cool, and I have no doubt the longer you work with the equipment, the more of what you see on the screen makes sense to you.  I also really do appreciate techs rattling off their litany of “That’s a foot, that’s an ear, etc.” like guides on a bus tour of the womb, but it does get a smidge tiresome after a while.  Still . . . it’s their job and I get that. (Though between you and me, I still feel a bit like I’m spying on my son, and it’s just flat out weird to be able to see his heart beating; it’s like my invasion of his privacy won’t even stop at his skin!)

But the resolution on the 3D ultrasound still needs more work if you ask me.  I could make out some things on the “standard” ultrasound before the tech activated the 3D, but then the screen went a vile mustard-like color, and was filled with an amorphous blob with the tech still happily chattering away about “And that’s an ear!  And that’s a . . . ” and I’m just nodding, and thinking to myself “Behold my son, the King in Yellow!”

This could put an unexpected twist on “play time,” let me tell you!

A Vision Of The Future

October 6, 2010

Not many people realize this, but I am, in fact, psychic (1), and last night I got a vision of my future:

“Pony, pony, pony, pony!  Oh, my name is PONY!  Pony, pony, pony, pony!  My other name is PONY!”

“Dad . . . seriously, I am way too old for this.”

“Quiet you!  This is part of your childhood, so try to enjoy it.”

“Dad . . . can I have a gun?”

“You are not shooting me, and that’s final!”

“How about we compromise and I just shoot myself then?”

The twisted part is I’m actually looking forward to having this conversation with my son.  His freshman year is going to be a such a blast . . . for me, I mean . . . probably not so much for him though, come to think. (2)

*****

(1) Disclaimer:  Author may not be, in fact, psychic.

(2)  I am, of course, just kidding about doing this to you, son . . . probably.  If I were you I’d be sure to be extra nice to me before that day comes, just to be on the safe side, you know?

Tab D Into Slot C

October 5, 2010

It is, of course, a myth that father’s are blessed with the innate ability to assemble anything child related.  It is, however, a skill that one certainly gets ample opportunity to practice long before one’s first child is even born.

Along those same lines, while I can only imagine the difficulties a single parent has to face, I imagine one of the most frustrating must be the lack of having someone to say to “Hold on to this for me, and I’ll see if I can make this fit!”

I suppose if one is so inclined, one could see innuendo in the above statement, but not, I’ll warrant, if one has ever had to assemble any of these damn things themselves!

Phoning It In

October 4, 2010

So I’m looking into getting a new mobile phone (I’m planning to almost exclusively leave it in my house, but that’s another story), so today I started casually polling a few people I know about their experiences.

One person in particular (knowing how much I loathe the idea of phone contracts) recommended I still consider getting a contract so I could save money on the phone, then proceeded to elaborate on how much they disliked their current phone, but they’ve got this contract, you see . . .