Archive for February, 2012

Getting Physical (Part Three) [A Touch PG-13ish]

February 29, 2012

The fact remains that there’s a lot of conflicting “rules” when it comes to getting physical.  There seems to be as many opinions on the whens, hows, and whoms as there are people to express them, and even trying to divide them into basic camps of opinions for the sake of argument would be oversimplifying things too much, so for now I’m just going to warn you about two major groups I want you to watch out for:  advertisers and entertainers, and those who scream “Consequences!”

Advertisers and entertainers are the easy ones, no pun intended.  “Sex sells,” is a truism for a reason, and advertisers and entertainers will drip sex over everything to try to get your money from you. (Sorry for the image, by the way.)  It’s a trick, son . . . one of those strings I talked about earlier, but as tricks go, it’s not generally a subtle one and you’ll learn to spot it and the hook behind the bait pretty easily.  Just don’t spend any money you can’t afford to lose, don’t buy anything you don’t really need or want,  and don’t make the mistake of believing the fiction of schoolgirls and slumber parties is the norm in reality, and you should be fine.

And if you do bite at the bait, watch out for that hook, because if it catches you, you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Getting Physical (Part Two)

February 28, 2012

Here’s a fun fact for you, kiddo:

People that want to control other people know that so long as they can pull strings attached to other people’s primal impulses, delicately described to me at one point as the four F’s – Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding, and Reproduction, they can get those people to do pretty much whatever they want.  This isn’t talked about often, but it’s such a basic fact that I promise you that I’m not spilling anything by saying it here.  By definition, everybody using this fact already knows it, and anybody who wants to know it can find or figure it out easily enough.

And for the record, I mention it so you can be aware of it when someone tries the trick on you, not so you can use it yourself.  By the time you read this I should not have to explain why, but just in case you need a refresher, remember, son, those that try to pull strings tend to get strung up.  Yes, you can attach a string to someone’s primal impulses and lead them around by it . . . for a while, but people resent strings once they notice them, and they will notice, almost always at an inconvenient time for the person pulling the strings.  Trust me on this one.

But I digress.

Getting Physical (Part One)

February 27, 2012

I know, I know, son.  This particular topic is truly years and years away from making sense to you, but in the fullness of time, odds are good that you’re going to want to “get physical” in your relationship with someone.  I know of no good criteria to determine when you’re actually going to be ready for that, but I know that by the time you start to really understand what I mean by the phrase “get physical,” if you’re not yet capable of the trick, then that day won’t be far off at least.

But that won’t mean you’re ready.

Stop rolling your eyes at me.  I know that by the time you read this with understanding, you’ll have heard that you’re “not ready” in about a hundred different ways from a hundred different sources, and you’re right.  Most of those sources really don’t have the slightest idea what they’re talking about, and too many of those that do, really don’t have your best interests at heart.

But I don’t fall into either one of those categories, so hear me out and give me the chance to prove it to you.

Status For 2/24/12

February 24, 2012


Wait . . . I did the one word status update joke last week.

Well, I’m still busy.

One thing I’ve discovered is just how . . . fragile my schedule can be these days.  These days shall pass, but currently it doesn’t take much to knock my plans out of whack for days at a time, requiring it seems like weeks to get things straight again . . . only for the cycle to repeat itself.  This bothers me a lot less than I thought it would.

Which isn’t saying as much as it might sound like at first.

There Are Days I Think This Is One Of The Secrets Of The Universe

February 23, 2012

Eddie Valiant:  “You mean you could’ve taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?”

Roger Rabbit:  “No, not at any time, only when it was funny.”

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

(And other days, I’m sure of it.)

This Is Probably Not True

February 22, 2012

So I had this great-great grandfather who was a prospector.  He never did make the big score he’d dedicate his life to finding, a series of mythical ravines lined with raw gold,  but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Great-great grandpa was persistent like that.

Despite the travails and hardships, he never stopped searching out of memory of his wife who, before she left him, used to say that if he loved her, he’d provide an “ore chasm” for her, preferably multiples.

Great-great grandpa was also hard-of-hearing.

Even Dreaming, I’m Glad *I* Wasn’t The One To Say That

February 21, 2012

I’ve talked about the cinematic nature of my dreams before, but here’s another example:

“Hero”:  Well that’s it then.  Time to return home.

Heroine:  And where is home for you exactly?

“Hero”:  With my wife.  She’s a lovely woman, you really should meet her . . . just be a dear and don’t tell her you and I had sex, alright?

And having already reached my quota of dream violence for one night, I woke up with a start upon hearing that line, so I don’t know precisely what happened next.

But I can guess.

Like Crosstown Traffic

February 20, 2012

As an early morning jaunt through rush hour traffic reminded me today, the true threats on the road of life aren’t the relatively rare “reckless,” but the omnipresent “oblivious.”

(Made it through without even a scratch by the way, but it was a near thing at points.  Bonus points if you recognize the lyrics in the title.)

Status For 2/17/12

February 17, 2012


(I admit as status updates go, it lacks in grandeur, but I think it makes up for that in succinctness.  The other night I participated in a futile two in the morning chase of a neighbor’s rogue puppy, you see . . .)

To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before, 2012 Edition (Part Three)

February 16, 2012

Over the years we’ve drifted in and out of contact multiple times, but even though she’s described me to her daughters as “her best guy friend,” part of me has to wonder if that’s really true anymore even as I wince at the phrase “guy friend.”  I can handle being in “the friend zone” with a girl if I must, but I detest being given a label that announces it to the world.  Plus I feel like if you have to put conditionals on the term friend, it makes it less sincere.  I know she doesn’t mean it that way, but still . . .

Regardless, that very reaction underscores for me just how much our relationship has remained the same even after all this time, and that probably means she’s right no matter what I feel about her turn of phrase.  Which means (as I’m sure we all knew in advance), I’ll continue to act like her friend and keep my best stories about her confidential, because like I said, she does have daughters.

But kids . . . when you’re old enough to legally buy me a drink, have I got some juicy stories about your Mom to share with you!

Yep.  Definitely still the same.

This candle’s for you, kiddo.  As always, I’ve been thinking of you.