Archive for July, 2013

Or Dust

July 31, 2013

It occurs to me that after a certain point, the secret of a long life becomes not acting your age; because after a certain point, an increasing number of people your age are dead.

Finally Found One

July 30, 2013

Apologies for moving into a stand-up comedy trope area here, but I really have shaken my head for years whenever I’ve seen a group of girls prancing off together in the direction of the bathroom.  I’ve heard the jokes(1), as well as the real reasons (2), but I still find the practice more than a little weird.  I can honestly say that it was only last week that I admitted that I was at a loss to come up with any situation where I would look at another guy and say, “Come on, we’re heading to the bathroom.”(3)

Then over the weekend, after watching a movie in the theater, a group of us were standing around talking about the movie.  I think all of us knew this little post-movie chat was just a brief interlude before making the traditional post-movie exodus to the bathroom, but for one member of our group in particular, it was clear to me the interlude wasn’t brief enough for his tastes.  Still, he dutifully involved himself in the conversation as he did his best to guide the group in the direction of his increasingly required destination.  But groups can be obstinate things, and to complicate matters, he was interested enough in the conversation that he kept getting drawn back in.

Realizing this couldn’t go on much longer, finally, I looked him in the eye and said, “Come on, we’re heading to the bathroom,” and peeled off from the rest of the group.

Halfway there, I realized what I had just said, stopped and then exulted, “So there is a situation I will head to the bathroom with another guy!”

The theater has asked me never to return.(4)


(1)  My favorite involves overstuffed divans and big screen televisions.

(2)  I asked.  Funny how often that works.(7)

(3)  Yes, I know some other guys can easily think of a few, but this affects me not.

(4)  I’m kidding about this, by the way.  I’ve been offered free tickets should I return, in fact, which I find more worrisome.(5)

(5)  I’m not kidding about this.(6)

(6)  Blatantly misstating and misrepresenting the reason behind the offer, but not kidding.

(7)  And yes, I have been threatened with retribution should I ever reveal the “secrets.”

Today’s Experiment

July 29, 2013

Today is one of those days where nothing is coming easily.  Some of this I was prepared for since I knew I was starting cold on a new writing project, and some initial sluggishness was certainly within the realm of possibility.  Eventually though, as almost always, things started to move.

Then so many distractions started figuratively exploding around me that I found myself wondering if I had somehow stumbled into a cruel controlled experiment to determine my breaking point.   I’m not saying that’s what was actually happening of course.

*Looks around*  But I will say that for a time period the only time the interruptions happened was when I put my fingers back on the keyboard with the intention of working.

So you tell me.

Communication Established (Part Three)

July 26, 2013

Now admittedly, this is less of a “joke” and more of a “proto-joke,” but it went something like this:

L.:  “Like a yellow?”

Us:  (Thinking this is one his standard vague toddler requests.) “A yellow what?”

L.:  “Like a red?”

Us:  “A red what?”

L:  “Like an orange?”

Us:  “An orange what?”

L:  *giggling*  “Like an orange!”

Us:  “Oh!  You want an orange!  I get it!”

So it’s not that funny, but to use a phrase that L. is fond of after he heard me say it:

“It’s a little funny!”  (And it’s definitely not a bad first attempt at a joke considering he’s two.)

Good job, son.

Communication Established (Part Two)

July 25, 2013

This shouldn’t have surprised me too much though.  It was only a few weeks back that L. had another little language breakthrough which won’t sound that impressive unless you’ve had long-term dealings with a screaming toddler:

Understand that L’s not a screamer . . . as a rule, but one of the exceptions to that rule is when he’s put into time-out.  From the commotion he makes you’d think there was something truly horrific in his room with him, but I assure you the most horrific thing in his room is his diaper pail.  For weeks I tried to no avail to get across to him that screaming only kept him in time-out longer, then one day when I asked him, “Are you done screaming yet?” he gulped and answered, “I’m done screaming,” and stopped screaming, thus ending the time-out.

It took him a few tries to really get the concept, as evidenced by the time he screamed over and over again that he was done screaming, but overall it was a major communications breakthrough for us.

Naturally, that meant his first attempt at a joke wasn’t too far behind.

Communication Established (Part One)

July 24, 2013

As I’ve mentioned before, L., being two, is at an awkward developmental stage when it comes to communication.  Put simply, sometimes we understand what the other is trying to say, and sometimes we don’t.

The other morning, for instance, it was time for him to get out of bed.  He knew this (thanks to an alarm clock which turns on a green light when it’s time) and I knew this, but unfortunately, I wasn’t available to get him since I was (figuratively) juggling an awkward situation that couldn’t be safely interrupted, and I was trying to explain this to him.

L.:    “It’s green!”

Me:  “I know it is.  I’ll be there soon.  Soon as I can.”

L.:    “It’s green!  Green means get out!”

Me:  “It sure does.  Soon but . . .”  (Wracking my brains for words I know are in his vocabulary.)  “Daddy’s stuck right now.”  (As soon as I said it, I thought, He’s not going to understand that, “stuck” is a funny play word to him.)

L.:    [Pause]  “Don’t be stuck, Daddy.” (A unique sentence that, to the best of my knowledge, he wasn’t just parroting from another source.)

Me:  [Pause]  “I’m working on it.” (While thinking, Okay, clearly I was wrong!)

Because I NEED It To Happen

July 23, 2013

I’m happy to announce that my current writing project (the one that blossomed into an unexpected time sink) is on its home stretch and will be completed today.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make that happen.

Because That Might Be Fair

July 22, 2013

Since so much of my life seems to revolve around girls, one way or the other, I wonder if I’ll ever be accused of living a miss-spent life?

Something You Say And Mean When You SAY It, But Afterwards . . .

July 19, 2013

“You can accept or decline my friend request.  No big deal either way, it’s just for convenience in keeping in touch.”

But afterwards (after the request has been accepted), you suddenly realize that you have been going over this person’s profile like you were the NSA.

(Too soon?)

Into The (Empty) Mouth Of Madness, The Sequel

July 18, 2013

Since I wasn’t feeling all that well last night, I went ahead and pre-wrote today’s entry under the theory that I might feel even worse today.

The good news is I don’t feel that bad yet.

The bad news is the operative word in the good news is “yet.”

The worse news is when I looked at what I wrote last night, I thought, “Why did I think that was funny?!”

In my defense, you might recall that last week I mentioned I was going on a diet to help support my girls in their diet.  If that sounds familiar to you, it might be because a few years ago I made exactly the same mistake did the same thing and felt terrible at this point then too.

Let the chronicle of my descent into madness begin!

Um . . . again!

(I have really got to get over this “doing something because a girl asked me to” habit of mine.)