Archive for December, 2014

And Battles Will Come To You Enough As It Is

December 17, 2014

If you don’t pick your battles, battles will come to pick on you at the worst possible times.

– Unknown

(I swear that at one point I read and/or was told something similar to this variation on “Pick your battles,” but I can’t determine where/who.  Despite its Sphinx-like quality (or maybe because of it), this is another quote that I’m going to claim as my own someday unless someone can prove ownership.)

It’s A Thought

December 16, 2014

It’s funny, but I just noticed that writers tend to talk about their audiences and potential audiences the way desperate single people talk about their dating prospects, real or imagined.

Maybe it’s time to stop trying to be “on stage” so much, and just go up and say “Hi.”

Please Tell Me I Don’t Have To Clarify This Is Just A Joke

December 15, 2014

A while back Lala took a plane trip to visit The Lands of Snow.  (Yes, this is an actual place on my personal world map; it’s my private version of “Here there be dragons.”)  After she landed I asked her if she’d had a good flight, and she told me that she had.

“Chatted the last leg with the guy next to me.  He’s a new dad,” she added.

Now I’d certainly heard of the Mile High Club, but this struck me as taking it to unnecessary extremes.

On the other hand, I know as well as the next guy how boring those long flights can be, so maybe I shouldn’t judge.

Dear Internet

December 12, 2014

Regarding my silence on Monday . . . let me put it this way:

People being poisoned because they dress silly isn’t funny, and no, it does not make a difference if they dress really, really silly; it’s still not funny that they were poisoned over it.

Please stop being tedious about things like this.

A Charming Point

December 11, 2014

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Oscar Wilde

Because Absence Makes The Lungs Grow Louder

December 10, 2014

Many things can help a person to focus.  Some people favor music in the background, or meditation, or maybe going for a walk.  A certain level of comfort is frequently considered helpful, though some people are avid proponents that the true key to learning to focus is actually discomfort.  Regardless, my point is that what helps people focus tends to be as personal as it is varied.

You know what I’ve never of heard helping someone focus though?

The certain knowledge that it is only a matter of time before your child realizes you have gone to another room to work, and in that moment they will instantly transform from “happy child playing with their other parent” to “screaming inconsolable banshee outraged at your absence.”

Omnipresent!

December 9, 2014

It’s not that I don’t believe in complaining, no, not at all.  It’s that I believe that complaining is an art form, and only the lazy, the uninspired, or the chronically boring say things like, “I have a headache today.”

But I also like accuracy in my arias of complaint, and there in lies the problem for today.

My headache is neither of the “throbbing” nor “pounding” variety, nor is it “blinding,” just a little eye-crossing, which lacks in the drama department.  I’m not going to die from it, not even with someone outside deciding now is the perfect time for them to do yard work, so it’s no “killer,” and it’s not “all-encompassing” because, really, it’s mostly focused on the left side of my head, likely because I was so tired last night that I slept on my neck wrong.   It’s just one of those annoying varieties of headaches that has so far proven immune to all the usual cures, and it’s draping a haze of pain over everything I do, making it impossible to ignore.

Is there a word for that?

Practicing Holding My Tongue Today

December 8, 2014

He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.

Elbert Hubbard

I Was Singing To The BIRD, But Still . . .

December 5, 2014

To demonstrate one of the (many) reasons I am unlikely to ever host my own children’s show, today I caught myself singing:

Nap time, nap time,
Time to shut your yap time,
Nap time, nap time,
Shut your yap time!

I’m Not Proud That I Thought It, But I Did

December 4, 2014

You know your mood and the performer is really bad when the figurative devil on your shoulder is thinking, “There’s a man in the process of killing himself with alcohol, and I wish he’d finished the job before I had to hear him sing,” and the best your shoulder angel can counter with is “Be nice! Since we’re here, the least we can do is buy him a drink . . .”