Well . . . She Should Have Been Clear That She Meant That You ORDER It Online

The same conversation with L’s Mother that sparked my dating “wisdom” comment also featured the following interaction:

Her:  I thinking about using an online test for a particular vitamin deficiency.  It’s supposed to be pretty good.

Me:  Okay.

Her:  It’s simple too.  You’ll know if you have the vitamin deficiency depending on if you can taste something or not.

Me:  Wait . . . you said “online,” right?  What are you supposed to do, lick the screen?

Her:  (Deadpan) Yes, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do.

The Pokémon, Not The Players

I remain unbitten by the Pokémon Go bug, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know anybody who plays it.  It seems a harmless enough game to me, but I was still oddly . . . displeased to learn my favorite authentic Irish pub was virtually crawling with the little digital vermin.

“Wisdom” Might Be Overstating It

Last night L’s Mother asked me if I could do her a favor.

“Sure,” I said.

She then proceeded to tell me at some length about why she needed the favor, how important it was to her, how much she appreciated me doing this for her, and so on.

“Honey,” I finally interjected.  “Let me share with you a bit of wisdom I learned back from when I was dating.  Once someone says yes, it’s a good idea to stop talking.”

I Think This Means I’m A Better Person Asleep Than I Am Awake

Again my thoughts this morning were inclining toward the political, then I learned something about myself when someone tried to discuss the topic with me just a little too soon after I got out of bed.

Before I pass a certain level of awake, I have no tolerance for meanness.  When I’m alert I can evaluate things in terms “Okay . . . they deserved that,” but when I’m still feeling the lingering warmth of last night’s sleep, my reaction seems to be “Why are people being horrible to each other?  Don’t they realize I just woke up?”

And We DIDN’T Talk Politics

Originally my thoughts were political this morning, but that started to change when my son asked me to make him “coffer” (a creation of his own design, a mix of water, orange juice and apple juice).  Once I had his coffer “steeping” in a plastic cup complete with lid and straw, my son told me I had forgotten to pull the straw up, momentarily baffling me, then I realized he wanted his coffer cup to look like the french press coffee pot I was using.

“Are you planning to have coffer with me when my coffee is ready?”  I asked.

“Uh huh!” he answered brightly.  “We can talk while we drink!”

And so we did.

In Honor Of The Unofficial State Bird

I was talking to my Dad on the phone the other day, and he made the mistake of telling me he was at one of the Finger Lakes, but he “wasn’t sure which one.”

“It’s New York, Dad,” I reminded him.  “You’re probably at the middle one.”

The Wrong Kind Of “Fired Up”

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

– Alfred Pennyworth, The Dark Knight

And some men want the world to burn just so they can say “I told you this would happen!”

– Robert Alan

I Think She’s Trying To Poison Me Again

Last week L’s Mother decided to make cupcakes, but thought the frosting tasted “strange,” and wanted my opinion.  (This sort of thing happens to me more often than I’d care to admit.)

Both the cans of frosting were flavors I didn’t particularly care for, but leaving that aside, I had to admit something seemed indefinably “off” about them.  I couldn’t precisely identify what it was either though, so L’s Mother took a closer look at the cans.

“Oh!” she exclaimed in understanding.  “This one is expired!”  A quick check confirmed this to be true of the second can of frosting as well.

“That’s strange,” I said.  “You just bought them today.”

“No, I didn’t,” L’s Mother said way too casually.  “But I bought them for Valentine’s Day, so I thought they’d still be good.”

Certain facts crystallized and a vague memory of things being pushed into the back of the pantry and forgotten came into focus for me at that exact moment.

“You did,” I sighed as I resisted the urge to claw at my tongue to remove any frosting residue, “the year before last!”

I Never Forget These Things

Last night Lala tried port wine for the first time and announced, “I wasn’t so sure about this port, but I’d heard that starboard was good, so I wanted to try it.”

Now I like a good pun as much as the next guy, but I thought this was a bit much coming from the person who didn’t like my molasses pun.

“Um . . . I’m Going To Need An Extra Minute Now”

You know customer service is going to be taken to the next level when you are greeted with the phrase, “How may I please you today?”