Archive for December, 2020

I Love It When A Joke Comes Together

December 31, 2020

The other day our dog wouldn’t stop barking because we’d gotten a delivery, so I told her, “Isa, stop barking at the delivery! I know it’s here, I’m getting it now, so you can stop telling me it’s here.”

When I opened the door, I saw the package was for L’s Mother from a place called “Katz,” and I didn’t even try to resist. I turned back to the dog (who was still barking), and told her, “Isa, stop barking at Katz!”

I’m Kidding. I Knew That Before I Even MET Him

December 30, 2020

Today my neighbor gifted me with some avocados from his tree, and reminded me that I needed to give them a few days to soften before eating them. While the reminder was kind, it was unnecessary since it completely overlooked the fact that I’ve been stealing avocados from his tree for years now . . .

Today’s Deep Thought

December 29, 2020

Did you ever hear someone being wished “well” and got the distinct impression that the speaker was picturing actually throwing them in one?

And, Yes, She Laughed Just Like I Knew She Would

December 28, 2020

The other day I was telling L’s Mother about some standup routine by Greg Davies about how his elderly grandfather in a nursing home stopped mid “I’m decrepit and done” rant to suavely say “Hello there!” to the pretty nurse that had just walked into the room like there was even a chance that this girl had a secret fantasy to bed someone who gets winded while eating soup.

Upon hearing this L’s mother went, “Aw . . . sometimes *I* get winded while eating soup.”

“I can see if his grandfather is still alive, if you like,” I told her with a grin.

To Be Fair, He DID Say The Gift Was “Time And Togetherness”

December 25, 2020

To honor parents everywhere this Christmas, I wanted to share the story of a father (not me) whose son (also not me) wanted to give him the gift of time and togetherness, so the son made his father a coupon good for one lunch with him . . . that the father was expected to pay for.

I’ll Talk To You Later

December 24, 2020

Originally I was going to write something longer (and honestly, not that festive), but L’s mother is waiting for me to wrap this up, and I think my holiday is better spent with her than here.

Happy Holidays!

Sometimes That’s Just The Way It Is

December 23, 2020

I hate when I end up writing things like “my mother isn’t good with computers,” because I feel like that’s such a trope, and I hate tropes.

But I long ago made the decision that when I’m writing, truth trumps trope.

Mom And Computers Don’t Get Along

December 22, 2020

Because L. has said that it just doesn’t feel like a festive Christmas with no Christmas guests, we’re going to try getting my mother online so she can be with us virtually while we decorate the tree.

Pray for us.

Because I Was

December 21, 2020

This is the time of year when South Florida is particularly prone to temperature fluctuation, with the air conditioner needed one day, the heater the next, and so on. Suffice it to say that maintaining a comfortable household temperature for multiple people (a challenge under the best of circumstances) can quickly become an ordeal.

It’s an ordeal that I am especially bored of at this point.

Which is why when L’s Mother announced out of the blue that she was “a warm,” my only response was that I was “aware.”

In A Good Way, So There’s That

December 18, 2020

I usually just write what I think.

Today what I’m thinking about is unprintable.