Archive for February, 2023

Turns Out The Job WAS Something To Sneeze At

February 28, 2023

My neighbor: *seeing me up on a ladder as I clear dry leaves from the gutter* Hey, be careful up there, Rob!

Me: Always! Of all the ways I could die, this is not going to be one them!

Me: *later as a delayed allergy attack kicks in and I start sneezing uncontrollably* This, on the other hand, might be it . . .

So I’m Just Going To Say Congratulations!

February 27, 2023

The Voice of Humor: He’s engaged to someone named Miranda? So . . . many Miranda Rights jokes . . .

The Voice of Experience: . . . that she, at least, has already heard way too many times before.

Just A Silly Thought That Prompted A Quick Letter To L(A)

February 24, 2023

It’s been a while, hasn’t it, kiddo?

As much as I hate to admit it, you may well have made the right call in not being born. Despite my most cynical days being behind me, I’ll still concede that the past several years would have been . . . awkward ones for formative childhood years. Obviously lots of kids have done that successfully under even worse conditions, but with the benefit of hindsight I might have made the same call in your position.

That’s not why I’m writing today though.

I hope that one of the things that didn’t factor into your decision was that you were going to be saddled with admittedly extremely old-fashioned name. For the record, I had a more modern short-form version of your name ready for day-to-day use.

Just A Little Something I Heard In My Dreams Recently

February 23, 2023

We are connected via the blood of the Earth, you and I. There is nowhere you can be on this planet that I can not be there for you if you need me.

The Downside Of Yesterday’s Plan

February 22, 2023

Yesterday went fine, by the way. The only thing is I woke up today feeling like I’d had one too many banana daiquiris with a bunch of monkeys.

Wish Me Luck

February 21, 2023

Okay, I’ve stocked up on extra bananas and have promised banana daiquiris for all the monkeys at day’s end should we pull this day off.

While Simultaneously GOING Bananas

February 20, 2023

The drunk monkeys of my mind are especially loud today, and I’m running out of bananas.

So Leave Me Alone You So-And-Sos

February 17, 2023

Both sides of so, so many so-so arguments: You agree with us, right?

Me: Look, if I wanted to join the firm of Carp, Quibble, and Cavil, I’d have gone to law school.

Especially When I Kind Of Needed A Win

February 16, 2023

Off and on I’ve been known to play a competitive online card game (not for money), but over the past couple of days neither my heart nor my mind has really been in it. Even so, when I was in need of some distraction I would play anyway. As you might imagine, I lost more games than I won, but I knew that was likely going to be the case, and I was still happy so long as I didn’t play too badly.

So that was my mindset when I got a satisfying (and admittedly unlikely) card draw that gave me an early advantage, but certainly nothing that would guarantee a win even if I was at the top of my game.

Now imagine my surprise when my opponent quit with an infuriated message of, and I quote, “bs luck.”

I know better (these days) to respond to a statement like that no matter how “nonfactual” it is. I was just happy for the unexpected win, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized my opponent was, in fact, correct.

It really was “bs luck” on my part that I got an opponent who would give up so easily.

Keeping It Light Today

February 15, 2023

Me: *setting up the cleaning drone while the dog looks on suspiciously* Relax, Isa. I’m just having it do a little spot cleaning, not Spot cleaning, so it’s not going to chase you.

L’s Mother: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

Me: Your day’s been that hard, huh?

(Like I’ve said before, I just make the jokes, I don’t laugh at them.)