Archive for the ‘The Wit And Wisdom Of L’s Mother’ Category

My Response: Breathing Is Overrated

March 22, 2021

I’ve stated before the reasons behind my reluctance to talk about the weather these days, so I winced when yesterday I heard L’s Mother telling one of her sisters how warm it is here. To L’s Mother’s credit, she did add that at the moment the pollen is so thick that it’s practically impossible to breathe right now.

Her sister’s retort was simply, “We got 25 inches of snow this year.”

Does This Sort Of Thing Happen To Anyone Else?

March 9, 2021

Me: *Getting ready to make a snack for L.* Do you know where the jelly is? It’s not where it should be.

L’s Mother: I put it back to where we used to keep it. (I.e, where we used to keep it eight months ago!)

Sometimes The Jokes Just Tell Themselves And I Don’t Have To Say A Word

March 4, 2021

L’s Mother has been in meetings most of this week, so I haven’t seen her very often. At one point early in the week she came out and announced that she had already “wasted” six minutes of her thirty minute break, and I responded with a quick opinion of what she could have been doing with those six minutes. (Make of that what you will and judge me how you like because I don’t care because I didn’t say it to you, and it made L’s Mother laugh as I knew it would.)

Just this morning she came out of her office, announced she had ten minutes, saw that I was standing right there with a “Well?” look on my face, and she promptly collapsed in a fit of giggles on the couch.

I’m Not A Big Drinker, But I Also Hate Wasting A Good Drink

March 3, 2021

Speaking of anniversaries, today is the anniversary of the day L’s Mother first shared a drink with me . . . because we were in Vegas, the drink in question was a margarita in a glass around three feet tall, and I legitimately feared that I would die if I drank it all myself.

Consider This A Binding Promise

February 10, 2021

Look, I’m tough to buy for, I know this. So yesterday when L’s Mother announced that my Valentine’s Day gift had arrived and that I should open it now, I felt a certain amount of trepidation.

What it was isn’t important. What is important is that it turned out to be the most thoughtful gift I have ever received . . . because after giving it some thought I will from this point forward forevermore provide L’s Mother with a list of things I would actually consider a good gift for me.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Get It, She Did

January 28, 2021

“Can you remind me again when you’re planning on taking the Christmas decorations off the holiday tree?” I asked L’s Mother the other day.

“After Candlemas,” she replied.

I just looked at her and sighed, “Now I’m gonna need more rope.”

L’s Mother Loves Chinese Cooking

January 13, 2021

I was going somewhere with what I said yesterday, but before I get there, I want to clarify that I never really let myself get pushed around just because somebody felt stronger about something than I did, I just ate more Chinese food than I thought I’d ever eat in a lifetime.

I Like That Smile

January 8, 2021

Early this morning L’s Mother sauntered into my office and with a big grin announced that she had brought me a present, a “morning me” (meaning a morning her).

Snickering (and without thinking) I retorted with, “I don’t know if that makes me easy to buy for, or if it makes you cheap.” I meant as in stingy, of course, but I quickly realized there was another way that could be taken, and L’s Mother realized it as well.

That’s why she flashed me her “Can’t it be both?” smile.

And, Yes, She Laughed Just Like I Knew She Would

December 28, 2020

The other day I was telling L’s Mother about some standup routine by Greg Davies about how his elderly grandfather in a nursing home stopped mid “I’m decrepit and done” rant to suavely say “Hello there!” to the pretty nurse that had just walked into the room like there was even a chance that this girl had a secret fantasy to bed someone who gets winded while eating soup.

Upon hearing this L’s mother went, “Aw . . . sometimes *I* get winded while eating soup.”

“I can see if his grandfather is still alive, if you like,” I told her with a grin.

So She Definitely Called It

November 12, 2020

“There’s a bear in our backyard,” L’s Mother announced yesterday, and despite my skepticism, she was right . . . in a sense.

The “bear” in question turned out to be a big friendly shaggy dog that happily followed me for some water and Milk-bones while I checked his collar for a phone number. One phone call later revealed that he had slipped out the door a couple houses down, and had been happily adventuring through the flooded streets until he ended up in our backyard.

He was quickly returned home and all was well again, but I’m still chuckling over it because the name on his collar was actually “Bear.”