I Was

August 4, 2017

I was looking for directions on the box on how to prepare this, and the first thing I saw was “keep frozen” and I thought to myself, “That doesn’t sound tasty at all!”

– L’s Mother’s latest attempt to see if I was really listening to her

Her Response: “Well . . . YEAH!”

August 3, 2017

It turns out that a while back someone asked my wife and one of her coworkers what the secret of a successful marriage was.  The coworker stressed the importance of harmony and that the wife should tend to all the husband’s needs, wants, and comforts.

It was at this point in the story that I interrupted my wife’s telling to laugh and observe that “Clearly your philosophy is different!”

Not That It Matters To The Lesson, But If You MUST Know, My Friend Was The One Being Bullied

August 2, 2017

The other day a good friend of mine started reminiscing about his high school days, and the biggest take home lesson from his stories was that while there are many reasons why one should never be a bully, one of those reasons is that you never know when the person you’re bullying will have their “ENOUGH!” moment, and it’s going to take six people to pull them off because you’ve already lost consciousness . . .

I Know There’s A Sucker Born Every Minute, But This Is Just Abusing The Privilege

August 1, 2017

Radio Announcer:  *breathlessly*  Remember, if you start to burn fat TOO quickly while using our product, be sure to reduce the dosage!

Me:  And yes, it IS customary for you to include a gratuity with your payment, thank you for asking.  Your order, as well as your complimentary bridge, is ON ITS WAY!

Presuming You’re Not A Busybody With Your Acquaintances, Of Course

July 31, 2017

Given the option, I prefer to be perfectly on point with just the “right” levels of protectiveness and curiosity.  When that’s not an option (and it frequently isn’t), I’ve decided I’d rather be slightly (emphasis on slightly) overprotective and overcurious than the alternatives.  The tricky part is determining where the lines are, but there are some handy rules of thumb.

For instance, I figure that if you would ask the same question if a casual acquaintance told you their late night ended around eight in the morning that you would if a family member told you the same thing, you’re probably doing okay.

A Little Knowledge Can Be A Ridiculous Thing

July 28, 2017

George Washington invented instant coffee.  It’s a fact!

(It really is, but it’s also a potentially deceptive one depending on framing and how credulous you are.)

– With thanks and due credit to theoatmeal.com.

Pretty Slick There, Son

July 27, 2017

I . . . am going to have oatmeal, but I haven’t had it yet.”

– My six-year-old son’s response to his mother asking him what he had for breakfast right after I had (unbeknownst to him) told her that his first meal of the day had been potato chips.  (Let the record reflect that he did indeed have oatmeal not long after this.)

Lead Into Gold Is Easy By Comparison

July 26, 2017

The transformative power of love is truly an incredible thing.  For instance, this morning it transformed my thought of “If you don’t stop with the imaginary trumpet noises, I’m going to imagine folding it into sharp corners and shoving it somewhere the sun don’t shine,” into the words, “Good morning to you too, son.”

Something I Began To Suspect Thirty Minutes Before The Movie Ended

July 25, 2017

“Just watch the first ten minutes of this movie, and if you don’t like it, we can watch something else,” Lala said last night.

This sounded reasonable to me, so I watched the first ten minutes and did indeed enjoy it, so I watched the rest of the movie.

Now if only she had suggested I watch the last ten minutes of the movie, I’d have known not to waste my time . . .

This May Be Too Obscure (And Tacky) To Actually Be Funny, But It’s What I’ve Got For Today

July 24, 2017

Today I found a dead crumpet stuffed into the back of my refrigerator.  Fortunately for me, it was just a piece of bread because I am neither British nor a comic book character.