Perhaps I’m Destined To Be The One To Write This Book . . . AFTER I’ve Gotten More Rest

April 6, 2018

Something fiction involving parenthood actually prepares you for:  The nigh-inevitable “child not wanting to be alone coming into your room in the middle of the night” moment.

Something some fiction involving parenthood sort of prepares you for:  The moment when you child begins do their best to recreate their room in yours so they can sleep better when they do finally go to sleep and let you sleep again as well.

Something fiction involving parenthood tends to gloss over:  That moment when you are pressed against the wall and tangled in a Frankenstein-like creation of covers, some of you hot and some of you cold, but all of you unwilling to move lest you wake the child that has kept you awake for over an hour now.

Something I know fiction involving parenthood has never mentioned:  The moment when at long last you get back to sleep as well and lapse into a fitful dream involving creepy crawly things and your child brushes their foot against you at the perfect time to startle you awake once more.

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April 5, 2018

And in the not-news today, celebrity jerk is still a jerk!  Details to follow.

Today’s Internal Dialogue

April 4, 2018

What should I write?

You know the drill.  Just write what you feel like saying to the world today.

I can’t write that here!

Well then . . . write it as close as you can get to it.

Go stick it in your ear!

See how easy that was?

Probability Isn’t ALWAYS Your Friend

April 3, 2018

Some time back I mentioned my grandmother and her fears.  What I didn’t mention specifically then was that I saw her fears eat her alive sometimes because she was imaginative enough to see possibilities, but not grounded enough to see probabilities.

That’s why the ability to make that distinction is so important to me.

Like my grandmother, I don’t like being in front of windows, particularly when it’s dark outside and I’m backlit, because I feel like I’m just making the shot a little too easy to make.  But unlike my grandmother, I can recognize that feeling as an imaginative possibility, not a probability that a shot is actually about to be fired.

With that said, I once had a great-uncle who was shot (non-fatally) on his porch because some kids with no concept of ricochet were shooting at turtles about a mile away, so . . . you know . . .

A Two-Faced View Of What It’s Like To Be A Parent Some Days

April 2, 2018

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

– Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

That’s Right, Son

March 30, 2018

“I thought because we had a bad moment, we were going to have a bad day, but we didn’t!”

– L., Age 7

Yes, Things Like This Really Happen To Me

March 29, 2018

What follows starts out as something that was actually said to me recently (albeit paraphrased for clarity), and ends with something completely made up to make it even funnier:

Tipsy Fortuneteller:  “You have . . . changed your destiny.  Remarkable.  You were born to be a sociopath . . . a monster, but you have changed that . . .”

Me:  “Go home, Mom.  You’re drunk.”

So It’s Something To Keep In Mind

March 28, 2018

People frequently share articles with me concerning the reality of hospitals, and I appreciate that, but I usually end up just nodding my head and moving on because of something my grandmother once told me after she had made numerous hospital visits:

“If you’re not sick before you visit a hospital, you will be afterwards.  And if you are sick before you visit, you’re going to be sick from something else as well not long after.”

Now, of course, if you need to go the hospital, then go to the hospital, but my own experiences have proven to my satisfaction the wisdom of her words.

This Is How I Imagine This Meeting Must Have Gone

March 27, 2018

“Alright, people, we’re here to hammer out the details of our reciprocal museum membership program for our respective museums.  For our part, if someone is a member of your museum, they’ll have full access to our museum; they just won’t get the complimentary planetarium tickets we provide to our own members.”

“Sounds good to us.  And for our part, if someone is a member of your museum, the adults will get in free.”

“‘Adults.'”

“Uh-huh!”

“So . . . if our members come to your children’s museum, the . . . adults get in free.”

“You got it!”

“You have no idea what “reciprocal” means, do you?”

“Not a clue!”

It Was The First Time I Ever Had Sauerkraut On A Hotdog, And It Was FANTASTIC!

March 26, 2018

Memory can be a funny thing.

You can know have many years have passed.  You can even know that the destination is the “same” only on a technicality since in the intervening time they have moved to a new building in a new location, and you can still find yourself looking for the same hotdog cart that used to be outside the old building all those years ago . . .