Posts Tagged ‘Food’

It Really Is

January 19, 2022

“I’m not happy with you,” I told our dog, Isa, last night after she had been especially obnoxious while the rest of us ate dinner. (She eats after we do because if she eats before we do, she’s still incorrigibly obnoxious and is dramatically less inclined to behave because the treat I give her after our dinner if she does behave is less appealing.) “But I’m still going to feed you, of course,” I added as I left the dinner table to prep her food.

Halfway to her bowl I paused to glance over my shoulder at the rest of the family, and slyly said, “It’s amazing how often I’ve had that thought in my life, you know.”

I’m Going To Need More Ice Cream

August 5, 2021

“So I know I’ve not been available much these past few days in particular,” I told my son earlier, “but I did remember to pick up some more cake for you.”

“Thanks,” he replied, “but I think I’m taking a break from cake for dessert for a while, so you can have it.”

An entire cake, up to me to eat all by myself, I found myself thinking. I have mixed feelings about this . . .

Crustacean Crunchies!

April 26, 2021

Over the weekend I gabbed a box of cookies that L’s Mother had bought, and I found myself reading a list of ingredients on the side. That list started with things like gluten, wheat, and peanuts, but eventually ended with mustard, fish, shellfish, and crustaceans.

“That’s a list of all the things that aren’t in those cookies,” L’s Mother informed me, which I already knew, but it still didn’t help me escape one inescapable thought:

“Worst . . . cookie recipe . . . ever!”

I’m Kidding. I Knew That Before I Even MET Him

December 30, 2020

Today my neighbor gifted me with some avocados from his tree, and reminded me that I needed to give them a few days to soften before eating them. While the reminder was kind, it was unnecessary since it completely overlooked the fact that I’ve been stealing avocados from his tree for years now . . .

“That Escalated Quickly”

February 6, 2020

So last night I sampled a food combination I hadn’t sampled in a while, and this morning I woke up with a feeling in my guts that reminded me why I hadn’t sampled that particular combination in while.

L’s Mother (ever the food scholar) speculated that even though I’ve never had that reaction to these foods individually, because they were of the same plant family, perhaps they were reinforcing each other’s effects, and that’s why I was feeling this way.  This observation prompted her to suggest that, “Maybe next time you should add a third member of the same family and see if you–”

Die?” I somewhat testily (but playfully) finished for her.

She Actually Swore At Me For That One, So I Know She Appreciated It

November 27, 2019

To put it simply, L’s Mother likes talking about food, and I prefer eating food to talking about it.  Even so, I do my best to stay engaged when she’s on the topic, and that’s no joke, but the longer the conversation goes on, the more likely it becomes that a joke will be told.

L’s Mother forget this recently, and was completely unprepared when I said, “Speaking of tempeh, the other day I read that someone is trying to create a tempeh-derived milk substitute.  They’ve had a promising start, but it may be years before they get a viable final product.”

“Really?” L’s Mother asked me.

“Yes, really,” I assured her.  “It could happen someday, but right now it’s a long, long way to tempeh-dairy.”

The Horror! The Horror!

November 22, 2019

Me:  (After some bleak contemplation of the tofu and low-carb beer sitting before me.)  This is somebody’s idea for a new layer of Hell, isn’t it?

Well . . . Maybe One

November 18, 2019

In a backhanded way I’m kind of glad I didn’t get the chance to tell this story last week because now there’s more to tell:

Last week my son wanted to go to our local doughnut shop and get a doughnut, and I spent a couple of hours seeing if either his mother or Lala (both on diets) wanted to take him.  I tried playing up the aspect of them getting some coffee while they were there, but to no avail.

As I explained to them, the reason I didn’t want to take him is because I knew that if I went I’d come back with a box of doughnuts that I’d end up eating the bulk of (and I did too) because to me the concept of only getting “one doughnut” from a shop was the perfect example of a number that was both irrational and imaginary.

This week however has given me reason to be grateful to the concept of irrational and imaginary numbers because my son wants to go again this week and I am not eating any doughnuts this week!

It Turns Out It Wasn’t So Difficult For Me To Describe After All

October 23, 2019

“Try this,” L’s Mother said to me yesterday while she handed me a dubious looking fried chip.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s . . . something,” she replied.  When I looked at her askance she added, “It’s difficult to describe.”

So I tried it.

“Wow . . .” I said slowly.  “The drywall really brings out the taste of the ceiling plaster, doesn’t it?”

Reason Number 432 Why I Am Not A Great Chef

July 4, 2019

Great chefs never announce that they are using some olive oil by using the words, “Oh, Popeye!