Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Sure, I’d Assembled A Desk, But That Hardly Seems In The Same Category!

July 10, 2017

From a phone conversation with someone whose morning was far more eventful than mine:

Them:  So far this morning I’ve had coffee, [redacted], and I’m getting ready for a shower.

Me:  I haven’t even had coffee yet!


I’m Still Holding Out Hope That He Was Kidding

June 16, 2017

What follows is funny story I heard from a server last night.  I’m not sure I fully believe this actually happened to her because I’d like to think that nobody would ever say this without being kidding, but the story is funny none the less:

So I had this table, big party, like fourteen people, and I got the impression that they were not going to be good tippers (You get a feel for that sort of thing after a while.), but I wasn’t too worried about it because this was back in the days when we were allowed to automatically include the gratuity on big parties.  I gave them my best service, and, yes, they ran me ragged, but they weren’t really mean about it or anything, so there was that, and the final ticket, of course, came out to several hundred dollars.

Like I said, I’d already gotten the feeling that no matter what I did there wasn’t going to be a big tip in my future, but what I wasn’t prepared for was there being no concept of tipping at all!  (And, yes, they were American, where, like it or not, tipping is part of the culture.)

“Okay,” I heard one of them announce once the bill had arrived.  “Who ordered the ‘gratuity’?  Because that is expensive!'”

And It Was Telling Me That It Was Time To Wrap It Up

May 10, 2017

This one is going to take a bit of explaining.

When she was a child, L’s Mother spent a lot of time around a couple of British expatriates.  Since these were her formative years, it left her with traces of a BBC worthy accent with certain words, primarily those that sound something like ‘really’ . . . but only when she’s tired.

Today turned out to be an incredibly busy day for us all (hence the lateness of this entry), and at one point I asked her how she was doing.

“I was going to hide how ‘weary’ I am,” she replied.  “But I have a tell.”

If You Don’t Get It, That’s Okay

April 28, 2017

Today, it being one of “those days,” I decided I’d best jot down a quick list of priorities for the day to help keep me on track.  Having done that, I labeled the text file “Priorities” and started to move on, then I realized it being one of “those days,” I’d best be more specific least the file get lost in the shuffle, so I tried to change the title to “Today’s (4/28) Priorities.”

Fun fact:  My computer doesn’t like it and ignores me when I try to include a “/” character in my text file titles, so the actual title came out to “Today’s (428) Priorities.”

This at first struck me as depressing, but then I realized the title would take on an entirely different meaning if today had only been the 20th of this month . . .

Message . . . Received

May 11, 2016

But “occasionally volatile” moments aside, I’m hanging in there, and while I’m not breaking any sustained smiling records, I have caught myself smiling from time to time, even on that same drive with the ill-timed billboard question.

Further down the road, you see, I ended up behind a semi-trailer truck with a big left-pointing arrow reading “passing side” on its back, but when I saw what the right-pointing arrow read, I felt myself smiling.

The right-pointing arrow read “suicide.”

It Was An Interesting Lunch

December 1, 2015

I’m not surly, I’m Scottish!

– The best line to come out of lunch today.  (Even better if said in a proper brogue.)

That Kid’s Gonna Go Far

November 9, 2015

On a lighter note, an old riddle was making the rounds on my Facebook over the weekend, “What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?”  The standard answer is, of course, “your name,” but one of my nephews chimed with a somewhat tongue-in-cheek answer that hit a little too close to home for me of late:

“Your time.”

Making Her The “Queen” Of Obscure References For The Day

September 2, 2015

Apparently yesterday was just one of those days where people felt the need to see how much I was paying attention.  In the morning it was Lala . . . and in the evening it was L’s Mother.

She had been delayed by traffic, and while sitting at a light she texted me to say that she had forgotten that “it takes three green arrows” at that time of day to get onto the road she was trying to get on.  Knowing this to be true, I didn’t think anything of it until I looked down and saw that she had sent me a follow-up text saying:

“And one Roy.”


July 1, 2014

The technical term for the image of yourself you see every time you look in the mirror is a perverted image.


Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Of Course

April 21, 2014

The other day L’s Mother was out with L, and she was queried by a stranger if L’s father (i.e., me) was still in the picture. Her response?

Yes, his father is at home right now, and he looks just like him. Well . . . there’s an age difference, of course.