Three Times If It’s “Just” Blackmail

Look, I know I have a cynical streak big enough to function as an aircraft carrier in a pinch, and I really, really want to believe all the heartwarming holiday sentiment I see this time of year is genuine, but even so, there are times I feel perfectly justified in my first thought being, “That’s nice. Now blink once if they’ve got a gun on you, and twice if they’re holding another hostage . . .”

That Was The Point I Stopped Guessing And Started Asking

Regardless, my point on Monday wasn’t to criticize L’s Mother’s doodles, but to express my bemusement at the combination of her personal symbology and some obscure days of celebration. I think I can be forgiven, for instance, for wondering what “Burning Keyhole Day” was supposed to celebrate (it’s actually National Cheese Toast Day), but there are one I really should have kept my mouth shut on.

Especially because “Suicide Pact Day” (represented by a skull and crossbones followed by a heart symbol) turned out to be marking Talk Like A Pirate Day and Wife Appreciate Day.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Get It, She Did

“Can you remind me again when you’re planning on taking the Christmas decorations off the holiday tree?” I asked L’s Mother the other day.

“After Candlemas,” she replied.

I just looked at her and sighed, “Now I’m gonna need more rope.”

I’ll Talk To You Later

Originally I was going to write something longer (and honestly, not that festive), but L’s mother is waiting for me to wrap this up, and I think my holiday is better spent with her than here.

Happy Holidays!

It Was A *Particularly* Vain Hope For This Holiday

Every holiday has its traditional icons, but one of the least talked about icons is the “holiday possum.”  Strongly related to the “weekend possum” and the “day-off possum,” the holiday possum remains perfectly still in bed, mimicking sleep in the often vain hope that the child(ren) of the house will leave them be for at least a few minutes more.

Fun-Weird Is Fine, Just Not Weird-Weird, Okay?

However you chose to observe/celebrate this time of year, my advice is whatever you do, unless it’s your deliberate intent, don’t make it weird.

I’ll Be Better Tomorrow, So At Least I Can Be Thankful About That

I can think of no better way to describe my mood today than by admitting that when Mom expressed her hope that we have a good Thanksgiving, my actual response was “I hope we have a good one too.”

A Holiday Observation From The Perspective Of Parenthood

After a while a child’s noises, be they of excitement, frustration, griping, or what have you, all start to sound the same . . .

This News Increased My Base Tranquility

(Hmmmm . . . lighthearted or more broody today?  Oh, what the heck?  Let’s go with lighthearted.)

So I sent my Dad a cake for the holidays, but since I didn’t have any tracking information, I texted asking him to let me know when/if the package arrived.

His response?

“Houston, the package has landed.  All is well.  Small cake for me, but added pounds for all mankind.”

Ah, Thanksgiving

“Okay, there’s going to be a delay on dinner,” L’s Mother announced.  “I’m trying something new and I’ve hit a snag, so I’m glad to see that you’re snacking because you’re going to need that to tide you over.”

“This ain’t my first rodeo, little lady,” I chuckled around my mouthful of cold pizza.