Posts Tagged ‘Inappropriate . . . But Funny’

Possibly At The Bar

June 29, 2016

This morning my son asked me if I knew what a “hot Jupiter” was.  “Sounds like a drink to me,” I told him, prompting him to giggle and tell me that was silly.

He was right, of course.

But it’s not like I was going to tell him that it sounds like a name you’d hear in an all-male strip club.

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I’m Making Most Of This Up

June 17, 2016

(And now because I need to do this, something completely lighthearted and irreverent.)

One of the most flattering things anyone has ever said to me was also one of those things most people never mention to another living soul in their entire lives.  Even so, I always smile when I remember the time when a then recent acquaintance told me “I love your ****!”   Yes, it was inappropriate, and it was even more inappropriate because that’s not the sort of thing one generally wants to hear when getting pants fitted.

Still . . . I’m sure he meant well.

Um . . . Phrasing, Son . . . Phrasing

April 18, 2016

Over the weekend my son, L(K), brought me his latest toy and asked me if I could put batteries in it for him.

“Sure,” I said.  “Let’s just get this panel off and see what kind of batteries it takes.  I’m guessing Double A’s, but we’ll know for sure in a moment.”  A moment later I added, “Yep, Double A’s are definitely what goes in there.”

Craning his head around to get a better look, L(K), concurred with my assessment.  “Those look like Double A holes to me too!” he chirped.

I Am Uncomfortable With This

January 28, 2016

All of us have been fighting a cold here recently, some of us more successfully than others.  So far I’ve been holding the line against the worst of it, and last night I announced that I was going to take a hot bath to fortify myself so I could continue to “fight the good fight.”

Vaya con . . .” L’s Mother started to say, then stopped herself.  “Hmmm . . . I don’t remember off the top of my head how to say “bathe” in Spanish, but let’s make that ‘bathe con Dios.'”

Now, I know some people feel it’s important to have a close, personal relationship with the divine, but I have my doubts that level of relationship is strictly necessary . . .

Let The Record Reflect That She Was Pointing To Her Cup Of Earl Grey Tea

July 27, 2015

Slowly but surely the household is recovering from last week, but a certain . . . lassitude, particularly mental, persists.  Case in point:

Over the weekend I asked L’s Mother how she was feeling, and she replied, “A little better now that I’ve had . . .”  She trailed off here, making vague point pointing gestures.  “You know, that . . . thing that I like having every weekend.”  Clearly she was looking for help in finding the right word.

So naturally I looked at her in mock horror and proclaimed, “I can’t say that word in front of our son!”

And Now Another Lighter Note

June 12, 2015

The other day Lala facetiously (and foolishly) asked me how one could possibly find a ghost on demand at that particular time of the morning, so I mimed putting a gun to her head, then I made a trigger-pulling motion accompanied by a “bang” sound.

Both she and L’s Mother were horrified by this, but hey!

She asked . . . I answered.

Sometimes My Manners Just Stink

May 14, 2015

Last night I was being introduced to a couple of nice folks in an airport when I found myself being put on the spot.

“Doesn’t she look too good for him?” the person introducing us asked teasingly.

As I was saying something about not wanting to get involved, the “she” in question shyly mumbled something about “I’m not even wearing deodorant.”

Have I ever mentioned I tend to get snarky when I’m put on the spot? (Particularly this week.)

“Well,” I heard myself saying.  “Fortunately the question wasn’t do you smell too good for him . . .”

I Wonder What Was Eating Her

April 17, 2015

Yesterday L. informed us that he wanted a “long apple.”  Unfortunately, none of us had any idea what he was talking about, leading to some speculation in the household.  My best guess was that it was the apple you put in the mouth of a “long pig.”

This guess was not well received by L’s Mother for some reason.

I Certainly Didn’t In High School

April 18, 2014

The other day the puppy drew blood from me. She didn’t mean to do it, of course; she was jumping up trying to get my attention and I was trying to teach her not to jump as one of her teeth caught some of the skin on one of my fingers. It was an accident, pure and simple. It hurt a little bit, but not much, and I wasn’t actually angry at her.

Then I realized I had just been handed a golden opportunity. Making sure L. was out of earshot, I looked the puppy directly in the eye and said, “You little [term for a female dog].”

Why did I do this, you might be asking?

Because I wanted to be able to honestly say I had used the term correctly at least once in my life.

The Vote In This House, At Least, Was Carried Two To One In Favor

February 4, 2014

Lala:  (After tasting some almond butter.) This is sweeter than I thought it would be . . .  Oh, I see why!  It’s sweetened with molasses.

Me:    Really?  Do they use the rest of the mole for anything?

Lala:  That’s not that funny.

Me:    Let’s put that to a vote, shall we?