Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

“Is That Fair, I Ask You?”

March 31, 2022

Yesterday my son observed that (to paraphrase) it seems like in this world if you do ninety percent right, people will focus on the ten percent you did wrong.

He’s not entirely incorrect, of course (John Wilkes Booth will never be remembered for his acting skills, for instance), but I tried to convey to him that the scale of what you do right and wrong does tend to matter. To do so, I cleaned up (in a sense) an old joke I know:

A traveler was out hiking one day and got completely lost as it started to get dark. Before he lost the light entirely he noticed a finely made fence leading up the hillside. He followed the fence up to an equally well built cottage and knocked on the door.

“Excuse me,” the traveler said to the old man who opened the door. “I hate to bother you, but I’m lost and it’s too dark for me to find my way into town tonight, so could I stay with you until morning?”

“Of course!” the old man said. “I don’t get many visitors these days, so I’d appreciate the company. Did you find me by following the fence leading up here?”

“I did!” the traveler answered. “It’s a very nice fence.”

“I built that fence all by myself, you know,” the old man said with pride. “This cottage too, but never got any credit for it. Do they call me a master carpenter, no they do not!”

“Why is that?” the traveler asked.

“You know how it is,” the old man said with a shrug. “You kill and eat one hiker, and suddenly you’re ‘The Mountainside Strangler’ . . .”

When You Find Yourself Setting Yourself Up For A Surprise Joke, That’s Pretty Ingrained

March 4, 2022

While it’s true I was having difficulty coming up with what I wanted to write yesterday, that wasn’t the only reason I ended up posting what I did. It’s actually a pretty good example of just how ingrained “going for the joke” is for me.

Because I Treasure Jokes I’ve Never Heard Before, I’m Recording This One

February 16, 2022

An old man was sitting on a park bench just people watching. As he watched, he’d periodically pull out a bar of chocolate and eat it. He’d done that six times when a little child wandered over to him.

“Eating that much chocolate is bad for you,” they said.

“I’ll have you know,” the old man replied, “that my grandfather lived to 105.”

“And did he eat that much chocolate too?” the child asked wide-eyed.

“No,” the old man snarled. “He minded his own damn business!”

Clarification

September 14, 2021

For the record, I didn’t mean to imply yesterday that the joke was “too low” for me, just that it was too easy!

When Gaming And Birthdays Collide

May 31, 2021

She’s [age redacted]? It’s time for her to start gearing up!

– L., age 10, making a joke upon hearing his grandmother’s age

I’m Not Sure Where This Stems From

November 23, 2020

I’ve mentioned before that flowers and I don’t get along, but I despise fake flowers as abominations against nature.

You might say the only thing I hate worse than posies are poseurs.

Thanks, Son

November 2, 2020

Me: *Thinking while staring at the computer screen* There has got to be something better for me to write about than how depressing Halloween was!

My Son: *Bursting into my office and launching into his routine even before I have time to protest* “Why did the chicken cross the ocean?”

Me: *Sighing* “Why?”

My Son: “To get to the other tide!”

Me: *Thinking* Works for me.

So Always Test The Waters Carefully

September 1, 2020

Yesterday’s post got me thinking about when is a joke “too soon”? Now I doubt anybody out feels that a tragicomic event from 1677 falls into that category, but it’s not like there’s a set amount of time that passes before it’s okay to make light of something. I learned that when I heard Fozzie Bear ask, “What do you get when you go on a titanic vacation?” and the answer was “Halfway across the Atlantic!”. Now even though the Titanic sank in 1912, my response was still “Too soon!”.

So when is a joke no longer “too soon”?

When people are ready to laugh about the incident, and never any sooner.

He’s Been Watching British Programing Again

August 27, 2019

My son this morning:  Do you want to hear a joke?

Me:  (Mentally sighing because it’s really early.)  Sure.

My son:  How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Me:  (Mentally:  I’ve always hated this joke, and why is he including a British car in it?  Oh, well . . .)   Outloud:  Two in the front and two in the back.

My son:  Right!  Now how do you get two whales in a Mini?

Me:  (Mentally:  Really?!)  Outloud:  One in the front and one in the back?

My son:  No, you take the M4 from London!

Me:  (Mentally piecing it together.  Wait, what?  “How do you get to Wales in a Mini?”  Oh!)  Outloud:  That’s terrible!  I’m so proud of you!

The Worst Joke I Told My Son This Week

August 9, 2019

So this guy is getting ready to travel through the cursed forest of Am, and is understandably concerned about the evil reputation the forest’s trees have.  A local guide assures him that while the trees might look fearsome, they were, in fact, completely harmless.

So assured, the guy enters the forest and, sure enough, the trees don’t bother him, but once he’s a ways into the woods, the shrubs start flailing at him and even chasing him down when he tried to run.  Bleeding from numerous wounds, he barely escapes the forest with his life.

Once he had recovered, he tracks down the guide and confronts him.  “You told me the forest was safe!” he shouted.  “But I nearly died when those shrubs attacked me!”

“I told you the trees of Am were harmless,” the guide corrected.  “But you’ve still got to watch out for Am-bushes.”