I’m Not Sure What’s Going To Happen Next

Today my son reprimanded me for playing my music too loud.

He wasn’t wrong (it was that kind of song), but I still feel like a fundamental balance of the universe has been disrupted.

A Quick Candle For My Son

I want to commend you, son, for realizing that much of what people argue about today are indeed “social constructs.” (I’m presuming your mother introduced you to that concept because that’s not a turn of phrase I use.) Once you think about, you start to realize that it’s frankly impossible for every place that claims, for instance, to make “the world’s best pizza” to actually make the world’s best pizza no matter how passionately their fans argue the point.

Once you realize that, you can appreciate the different styles of pizza and pick your own favorite.

So I Guess We WON’T Be Watching The Eclipse Then

“I’m not getting up in the middle of the night to watch a glorified lunar cycle on fast forward.”

– L.

That’s Why We Shouted “Unsurprise!” At The Party

“How can it be a surprise party?” my son asked me. “It’s not like I don’t know it’s my birthday!”

He had a point.

A Halloween Win-Win

A trick-or-treater stopped by our house twice the other night, but the second time was with a friend who wasn’t with them the first time. When I noticed only the friend was reaching for some candy, I assured the first trick-or-treater it was fine if they wanted another piece as well.

Obviously severely tempted, they told me, “I’d rather save the candy for other people.”

“That’s fine,” I replied. “You can have your principles or you can have another piece of candy. You win either way in this case.”

Wisdom Is Where You Find It

Dewey: That hound sure was hungry . . . especially for a ghost hound.

Uncle Scrooge: Aye, the druids must not feed it enough. That makes the beast mean.

Huey: That makes the druids mean if you ask me!

– DuckTales (1987), “The Curse of Castle McDuck”

So That’s How I Ended Up Accidently Pranking My Son This Morning

This morning as I walked into the bathroom I noticed what looked at first glance to be a bug in the bathtub. However a second glance convinced me that it was probably just a small bath toy that had taken a tumble. It being early in the morning, I honestly didn’t care either way, but I made a mental note to deal with it, whatever it was, after I had woken up.

Cue my son intercepting me as I walked out of the bathroom to inform me, “There’s a bug in the tub.”

“Aha!” I thought. “He’s trying to prank me.” And sure enough, closer inspection proved that it was indeed a bath toy and not a bug.

Feeling proud of myself for seeing through his ruse, I scooped up the toy in my hand, walked into my son’s room, and proclaimed, “Here’s your ‘bug!'” while presenting it for his inspection.

Have I mentioned he doesn’t like bugs? Well . . . he doesn’t.

And he wasn’t trying to prank me either.

I Have To Admit That Sounds Pretty Weird To Me

How weird would be if you made something, and it periodically disassembled itself and give a piece of itself back to you to show how grateful it was?

– L, age 10, in response to learning that some religions used to believe that you had to shed human blood to repay the gods for creating humanity

Just To Clarify

Before I got interrupted yesterday, I was planning to say that, for the record, while I consider ten way too young for that kind of language, I’m not foolish enough to believe my son doesn’t know it.

When Gaming And Birthdays Collide

She’s [age redacted]? It’s time for her to start gearing up!

– L., age 10, making a joke upon hearing his grandmother’s age