Huh

One of my favorite gags in Mystery Men involved the idea of “chicken rentals.”  So much so that for a time I included “chicken rentals” on my business cards in the hopes that somebody would ask “Who would want to rent a chicken?“.

Today I learned that chicken rentals are an actual thing.  (Apparently a lot of people learned this today and the sites seem to be overloaded, so I’m not including a link here, but you can seriously search for “chicken rentals” yourself and see what I’m talking about.)

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Yes, Things Like This Really Happen To Me

What follows starts out as something that was actually said to me recently (albeit paraphrased for clarity), and ends with something completely made up to make it even funnier:

Tipsy Fortuneteller:  “You have . . . changed your destiny.  Remarkable.  You were born to be a sociopath . . . a monster, but you have changed that . . .”

Me:  “Go home, Mom.  You’re drunk.”

That’s . . . A Good Question, Actually

In honor of this week’s unexpected food theme, here’s another food related entry:

A friend of mine was playing around with a new touchscreen order board at a popular American fast food establishment near him when he discovered something . . . odd.

The price of a sausage biscuit was $1.

The price of a regular biscuit though was $1.39, leaving him to wonder if the sausage was somehow subsidizing the biscuit?

A Weird Fact To Suit My Weird Mood

When using an electric razor to shave your head, it sounds disturbingly like you are grinding your skull away.

There’s No Shame In Admitting We Both Had To Look It Up

This morning via text L’s Mother tried to congratulate me on replacing a door handle, but for some reason “handle” autocorrected to “hydrangea.”  Her response to this was very . . . her:

Seriously?  THAT’S what it gets from ‘handle’?  Whose vocabulary needs that on autocorrect?

I could only think of one response:

Landscapers?

What Kind Of . . . Traditions Are We Talking About Here?

From an advertising flyer that arrived in my mailbox the other day:

Traditional Funerals At Affordable Prices

Complimentary Dining

Good Thing I Wasn’t Supposed To Pick Them Up From The Airport!

*drags self out of bed*

*stumbles over to the computer to check the status of an incoming flight*

*inputs flight number and tries to read the results through bleary eyes*

*reads that the flight landed 7 years ago*

Wait . . . what?

*confirms that the screen does indeed say that the flight landed 7 years ago*

Huh . . . must have overslept . . .

I Really DO Understand Though

While I understand and appreciate the need for my son’s school to do a background check on all adults that are going to be around the children, it still feels strange to have to pass a background check to accompany my own child on a field trip.

I Suggested She Sleep On It

“Lately I’ve been noticing that despite any plans I have to sleep earlier, I don’t actually end up making it to bed until it’s 12:21 precisely,” L’s Mother told me last night.  “I don’t know if that’s significant or just palindromic.”

And The Strangest Compliment I’ve Gotten This Year Is . . .

“If I were a guy, I’d still be into you.”

(Courtesy of L’s Mother . . . of course.)