Posts Tagged ‘Snark’

Some Things Really Should Go Without Saying

December 5, 2019

Pharmaceutical Ad:  Do not take our product if you previously nearly died as a consequence of taking our product.

Me:  Also, do not ingest our product when it’s mixed with molten lead . . . 

Insane Insight In Action

December 4, 2019

(Let the record reflect that I do know today is the anniversary of this blog; I just don’t find that fact very interesting at this point, and, yes, it is magic to be married to me.)

Yesterday Lala misspoke and created the word “overneath,” a feat for which I initially teased her.  “Congratulations,” I facetiously told her, “for creating a nonsense word worthy of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party; a word they would doubtlessly use to describe the placement of their saucers as they . . . stacked the cups and saucers on top of each other, making the saucers over one cup and under another . . .”

I shook my head wryly.  “Actually, that’s a pretty good word,” I had to admit.  “Congratulations.”

But Since I Coudn’t Find The Right Kind Of Mud, I Made Jasmine Instead

December 3, 2019

“I don’t have much time to make myself a cup of tea,” L’s Mother announced today.

“I can make tea,” I said before asking, “What kind of tea would you like?”

“Any kind,” she foolishly told me.

Flashing her a grin I said, “Worm and mud tea it is.”

“I don’t think worm tea would be very good,” she said with a smirk.

I nodded in agreement.  “Just mud then.”

She Actually Swore At Me For That One, So I Know She Appreciated It

November 27, 2019

To put it simply, L’s Mother likes talking about food, and I prefer eating food to talking about it.  Even so, I do my best to stay engaged when she’s on the topic, and that’s no joke, but the longer the conversation goes on, the more likely it becomes that a joke will be told.

L’s Mother forget this recently, and was completely unprepared when I said, “Speaking of tempeh, the other day I read that someone is trying to create a tempeh-derived milk substitute.  They’ve had a promising start, but it may be years before they get a viable final product.”

“Really?” L’s Mother asked me.

“Yes, really,” I assured her.  “It could happen someday, but right now it’s a long, long way to tempeh-dairy.”

The Horror! The Horror!

November 22, 2019

Me:  (After some bleak contemplation of the tofu and low-carb beer sitting before me.)  This is somebody’s idea for a new layer of Hell, isn’t it?

“Some Things Are Worth Dying For”

November 11, 2019

Today’s Challenge Question:  What is a phrase that is true and even inspiring in the right set of circumstances, but makes a terrible motivational poster and an even worse corporate slogan?

I Am Absolutely Kidding About This, I Just Have A Mild Cold, So Any Ghastly Appearance Was A Preexisting Condition

October 30, 2019

The bad news is because I’ve been ill lately I haven’t been able to get the house decorated for Halloween.

The good news is because I’ve been ill lately I look ghastly enough that I won’t need a costume.

It Turns Out It Wasn’t So Difficult For Me To Describe After All

October 23, 2019

“Try this,” L’s Mother said to me yesterday while she handed me a dubious looking fried chip.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s . . . something,” she replied.  When I looked at her askance she added, “It’s difficult to describe.”

So I tried it.

“Wow . . .” I said slowly.  “The drywall really brings out the taste of the ceiling plaster, doesn’t it?”

The Latest Window Into My Dreams

October 8, 2019

My Dream Guide:  And this is the end of your dream vision.  I hope you found it enlightening.

Me:  A little, I suppose.  That wasn’t much of a dream vision.

My Dream Guide:  (shrugging)  What do you want for a dollar?

Me:  I didn’t give you a dollar.  I don’t even have a dollar on me.

My Dream Guide:  Of course you don’t, you gave it to me.

Me:  No I didn’t!  Show me this dollar!

My Dream Guide:  Hey, I’m the dream guide here; I don’t have to show you anything!

I Can Forgive The Lack Of Fire And Smoke, But Not That

September 24, 2019

So we survived another Disney trip last week.  (Odd timing, I know, but that was the time Mom was available to meet us there.)  All in all it was a good trip, with my biggest complaint being that while I know it was supposed to be “not so scary,” the Headless Horseman’s horse shouldn’t prance under any circumstances!