Posts Tagged ‘Snark’

And, No, I Hadn’t Been Drinking, So It Wasn’t That

November 27, 2017

We all have our own ways of dealing with stress, and the other night as I made a rare appearance at a large social gathering, I rediscovered one of mine.

“We need to go soon,” I told L’s Mother as I discretely pulled her aside.  “I’m getting funnier and running out of people it’s safe to be funny with.”

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My Example Of Anti-Reflective Lenses In Action

November 21, 2017

Me:  *taking my glasses off*  Maybe it’s me . . . 

L’s Mother:  *smirking, but remaining silent as she waits for it*

Me:  *putting my glasses back on*  No . . . the problem is definitely you!

Once Again Demonstrating “The Initiative”

November 20, 2017

Yesterday some chum bucket died of natural causes in the care of the California Department of Corrections.

(You can, of course, find more details if you care to look it up, but I still feel this is all that needs to be said.)

You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means.

November 10, 2017

I think I’ll talk about what went right next week, because otherwise I’ll end up giving more time to what went wrong just to wrap everything up today, and I don’t want to do that.  So as a filler for today, here’s a thought I’ve had a lot lately:

Dear headline writers,

You can plummet off a cliff . . . or a skyscraper . . . or even a modest rooftop if you’re feeling generous, but eventually the distance just becomes too short for you to really “plummet” anymore, so please stop telling me that someone’s already dismal approval ratings continue to “plummet.”   Beyond a certain point it’s no more “plummeting” than it would be if I tripped over my own shoelaces.

Don’t Mind Me. I Just Have An Odd Way Of Saying “Thank You”

November 7, 2017

Before I launch into our Disney 2.0 story though, let me just say that we almost certainly wouldn’t have gone again so soon if during our first visit my Mom hadn’t insisted on buying us season passes for reasons I can only assume are somehow related to me having been a terrible child.  Rest assured, mother, that my revenge shall be a masterstroke to rival your own.

What made it such a Machiavellian masterpiece, you see, was that because we had passes and we’re going to be in the Orlando area anyway, was the one who actually said, “Since we’re going to be near there, why don’t we try going again?”  Some might say that means that I only have myself to blame, but I do not, I say!  I blame you, mother!

I blame you!

I’m Still (Mostly) Kidding

November 3, 2017
So I really was kidding yesterday.
Even though I thought that was obvious.
Nevertheless I wanted to be clear.
Don't think that things are that bad.
Honestly I feel pretty lucky.
Every day brings new challenges, of course.
Like every day though, you just have to persevere.
Perseverance isn't always easy though.

Yep . . . Good Old Groening . . .

November 2, 2017

While Matt Groening is most famous for The Simpsons, I used to enjoy his Life in Hell comic strip as well.  Why do I mention this, you ask?  Oh . . . no reason . . . really . . .

But as I browse the list of Life in Hell books, I see Groening never got around to publishing a Parenthood is Hell book.  I wonder if he ever will.

Perhaps he just needs the right collaborator.

Today’s Unfriendly Warning

October 20, 2017

It’s always risky opening a shut door when you know someone is working on the other side, but it gets even riskier to do so after someone has said “I need some time to figure out what I’m going to write today.”  The risk factor goes off the chart, however, if after that you open the door anyway and say, “Oh!  I see you’re not working at all right now!”

If you ever do this, just run, and do not attempt to initiate conversation in any way whatsoever!  Close family members and children will probably survive this encounter, albeit not necessarily completely unscathed; there is precisely zero guarantee of anyone else being so fortunate.

So Which Is It?

October 10, 2017

We live in a society that constantly bombards us with mixed messages.  For instance, yesterday I read that I should avoid associating with negative, demanding people who expect me to cater to their every whim, but then I read I should spend more time with my child . . .

So . . . So Worth It

October 6, 2017

Having grown tired of my son’s constant declarations that every song he heard that he even mildly disliked was “the worst song ever,” yesterday I introduced him to Tiny Tim‘s, “Tiptoe Through The Tulips“.

His double take alone was worth it.