Posts Tagged ‘Snark’

Something Inspired By Today’s History Lesson

September 17, 2020

One person’s “I invaded this country annually for eighteen years until they learned to give me the respect (i.e., tribute) I feel is my due,” is another person’s “For eighteen years this idiot told us he had ‘conquered’ us and that we ‘owed’ him something, and for eighteen years we disagreed.”

I’m Not Sure You’re Going To NEED It, But You’re Welcome None The Less

September 15, 2020

Some months back I got on a collection agency’s radar because they are under the mistaken impression that my name is “Austin.” Now while it’s true that Robert Alan is my nom de crime . . . *ahem*, I mean nom de plume, I am not now, nor have I ever been, named Austin, but they seem disinclined to believe me for some reason. Given that they also don’t seem to believe the phone records, among other records, that indicate I’m not Austin, I can’t find this surprising anymore. Clearly they have a lot invested in their false belief that I’m Austin.

So, Austin, I don’t know who you owe money to, but sooner or later these people are going to realize they’re barking up the wrong tree (my money is on later . . . much, much later), and they’re going to start coming your way. I hope you appreciate the head start.

Now If I Ever Called Her Miss Piggy, On The Other Hand, I Might Actually Find Myself In A World Of Hurt

September 10, 2020

I’m always perplexed when (as I did with yesterday’s post) I get a response with some variation on the “I’ll bet she didn’t like that you said that!” theme, so here are a couple of quick points:

#1. I would never knowingly post something involving L’s Mother that she didn’t approve of.

#2. I’ve got a pretty good feel on what she finds funny and what she doesn’t, and her response to what I said yesterday was a giggle and a proud “I’m a Muppet!”.

#3. Even if she didn’t like it, what’s she going to do to me? She’s only got those little felt arms . . .

A Question I Didn’t Realize I Knew The Answer To

September 9, 2020

With five minutes to go before her meeting started, L’s Mother came out this morning proclaiming in a fake panic that she didn’t have tea, or snacks, or “anything,” and the whole display reminded me of something, but I didn’t want to verbalize it.

Evidently though, L’s Mother picked up on it too, because she then launched into a credible imitation of Kermit the Frog flailing his arms in excitement, and then I had to say it:

“If I’m ever asked, ‘Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be married to a Muppet?”, I can truthfully say that I don’t have to wonder.”

My Idea Of A Labor Day Quote

September 7, 2020

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Douglas Adams

That’s My Generic Answer To That Kind Of Question

September 3, 2020

“Why isn’t this working?!” L’s Mother asked this morning, and I pretended the question wasn’t rhetorical.

Glancing over at what she was working on, I answered, “Because it hates you, and secretly plots against you at night.”

A Most EMPHATIC No!

August 31, 2020

Today I was reminded of the story I once heard about the monk who was apparently struck and killed by an errant meteorite. (This was recorded to have happened at Tortona, Italy in 1677.)

Being prone to gallows humor as I am, I also remember my first thought when I heard that story: “I don’t know what he prayed for, but I’m pretty sure the answer was no!”

What A Concept!

August 27, 2020

Today I learned the secret of how Flinders Petrie discovered so many small artifacts at his archeological digs when many of his contemporaries were only finding large statues and the like.

Petrie actually paid his workers a fair market value for what they found if they brought it to him.

When Algorithms Go Awry

August 24, 2020

“Registering to vote can make a HUGE difference,” a social media site told me the other day. “So register to vote in Colorado today!”

“They’re right,” I mused to myself. “It would make a huge difference, particularly because I don’t live anywhere near there!”

If He’d Actually SAID Something On Any Of Them, He Might Have Had A Bit Of A Point

August 20, 2020

Now that the elections here are over, I want to make note of one candidate (whom I shall allow to remain anonymous), who, judging by the number of flyers of his I found in my mailbox over the course of the election, apparently believed that he just had to kill the right number of trees to make his election a certainty.