That Way Everybody Wins

Remember, if someone insists that they’re going to dance on your grave, you can always be buried at sea.

Addendum

The next time I tell myself to “pick a lane,” be sure to pick a lane that doesn’t have oncoming traffic! (Fortunately, I’m speaking figuratively, but I am feeling run down today nevertheless.)

Things That Take On More Meaning In Hindsight

Remember when I referenced the game Civilization II last week?

While I can’t possibly be the first one to notice this, I was still morbidly amused to see that the third victory condition for the game was to survive until 2020.

No . . . Make It TRIPLE!

Parenthood, the state of being where otherwise rational and mathematically competent adults find themselves saying things like, “If that child yells one more time today, I’m doubling their rent!”

I Mean SERIOUSLY!

Look, I get that toilet paper can add up as an expense (I’ve lived with girls), and I don’t expect places who provide public facilities to spend a lot of money on the toilet paper they provide (I’ve had friends whose greatest amusement in life at the time was seeing how much toilet paper they could steal from public places).

But. (No pun intended.)

Who is out there marketing this stuff? “This is our latest line of toilet paper, we call it, ‘Riding the range on a sandpaper saddle.'”

Either The Algorithm Is Confused Or It’s Getting More Sophisticated

“Based on your viewing interests, we thought you might like this,” I read online yesterday.

It was a shirt of a type I’ve never looked at before being worn by a female model of a type that I have looked at before.

Turns Out The Job WAS Something To Sneeze At

My neighbor: *seeing me up on a ladder as I clear dry leaves from the gutter* Hey, be careful up there, Rob!

Me: Always! Of all the ways I could die, this is not going to be one them!

Me: *later as a delayed allergy attack kicks in and I start sneezing uncontrollably* This, on the other hand, might be it . . .

So Leave Me Alone You So-And-Sos

Both sides of so, so many so-so arguments: You agree with us, right?

Me: Look, if I wanted to join the firm of Carp, Quibble, and Cavil, I’d have gone to law school.

At Least I’m Not Calling It “Obligation Day”

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

For me tomorrow is also garbage day.

Sounds about right.

(Don’t mind me. I just getting my Valentine’s Day snark out early this year.)

The Subtext Of FAR Too Many Of My Support Tickets Of Late

Me: I am reporting this issue to customer service/technical support. I’ve already tried the simple and obvious fixes.

Support: We suggest you try the simple and obvious fixes. If we don’t hear back from you, we’ll consider the matter resolved.

Me: I’ve done those already, but I tried them again anyway, and I’ve tried the inconvenient ones you also suggested and have done so without quibbling over our differing definitions of “simple and obvious.” Further research using your own database suggests this issue is one at your end, one you are aware of and actively working on, so I’ll give you time to work and not bother you any further. I am only responding so you don’t incorrectly consider my issue resolved.

Support: We don’t understand why you have contacted us again. Have you tried the simple and obvious fixes?